Got Bitch?????

Just to think about

what has been happened, and is happening..

past few years and recently....

I mean it seems like there are so

many people who degrade me

and there are so many things

that actually lower my self esteem

but why, I am a really great person.

As I was working with my "Adolescent Girls' Depression"

for my Sociology paper, girls tend

to create two different sides in them

one authentic side they were innate

with and other the one that has been

created by the society's expectation.

I guess that's the side that I call as "poker face"

They tend to judge me with the wrong side

that I demonstrate in public

as my true self and because of that,

I thought my true, real self was the fake one

that was created recently.

I have a lot of adjectives that people

call me when they describe me

Bitch, cold, truthful, loyal, straigh foward, 2m2m

I mean some are really good adjectives

that I really like and some are

just based on my public appearance.

To think about it I have never wanted the image of "bitch"

Before I elaborate more about what bitch is,

I should quote from my

research paper:

"The ruels in the society for proper female behavior aren't

lucidly stated but the punishment for breaking it is very harsh.

Girls who are outspoken are called "bitches" and girls who are not

attractive are not respected. "

Outspoken? A bitch?

I guess too many people have called

me a bitch because of my

harsh, cold, outspoken comments and

behaviors and it is somewhat

my fault that I made myself look like a bitch ....

but I had my own very reason

People use people. They are really harsh sometimes.

There are many harsh comments,

attitudes, and many other things

out there that will hurt me.

I learned during my pre-teenage years that the world

wasn't a really great place to live as I have

thought it was when I was young.

It wasn't like fairy tales where everything was just

"over the rainbow" with unicorns and pretty princesses.

I mean it was a society where pretty Barbie looking girls

were lionzied and ugly and thought

to be fat, obese girls were degraded.

When a ugly girl has a good grades they say,

"Why she should at least have a good grades because

she lacks the physical beauty"

When a pretty girl has good grads they say,

"Wow, She's pretty AND smart!!"

They are both intelligent young women

but have different feedbacks from people...

Well my point is, inorder to survive

in this world I needed a shield that can

protect me from these kind of stuffs

and my hidden card was my bitchy side

It wasn't the great card to use because it definitely gave

me a wrong image but at that moment

it was the only solution

There are actually good and bad sides of

being a true hardcore bitch

the good side: people actually

don't mess with you.

Many people do know that I am the

wrong person to mess with

and I'm fine with that because humans

are not born to mess with

They might not give me full respect

but it's better than not having any respect

The bad side: Since my body is so use to the

"no expression, pissed look"

I constantly have that expression on when I'm alone.

Ayaka once told me that it is really hard to go up

to me and say hi even though

she knows me beacuse of that pissed look

but actually I'm not always pissed and everyone

thinks I am always pissed

They also think that I have no feelings at all but I do

I HAVE FEELINGS

I did loosen up a bit but I'm still called a bitch

I really don't care if people who don't know me call me a bitch

I really don't care what others think about me

because I usually don't give a shit about others who I don't care

What really bothers me is that when people

who I care for get hurt by my bitchy side

While writing this blog I came across that

I cannot make everyone happy.

I can't satisfy everyone out there

and I hope that the people who really care for me

love my bitchy side too

I believe that true friends are

suppose to like the un-perfect side too

THE IMPORTANT LESSON FOR TODAY:

Don't judge people by what they appear as

From my own experience.

when I was chatting with my ex-boyfriend

(because we are thought to be friends again...I guess?)

He said something like this to me

" After the break-up, you changed"

I told him

"I didn't change. I just came back to myself"

the title "bitch" is something that I cannot extricate

because it has been part of me for a long time

"Did you know that cold, mean girls are more dateable?"

*neat pic from taylor's picture book :)

me and kaba sun tanning in the shade

or should I say seducing the fat american dudes...YUCK..*