Om-my God! It's Chrisumas!!!!!!!

The fact itself just makes me jolly and happy
IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!! XD
Well..I have no plans so far and I am not planning to
make any plans cuz I still need to go to the academy
and draw forever...no holidays for me..but
I am thankful for at least having something to do ..
I mean it's better than spending it by myself..rite?LOL

SAT registration is coming to an end..shit
now that I think about it, I haven't studied
and my art teacher is counting on me to get a decent score..
I know I need to study but I just can't do that right now
for..some reason....URGH...

Anyhow I bought Ayaka's gift yesterday and handmade letter
I need to send that out..I don't think it's gonna get there
in Christmas day but...I hope it gets there...
Don't ask me what I bought for her cuz ITS A SECRET!!!!!

I still need to buy cake, letters
and all that stuff for my family (cuz I think I'm planning to
do an suprise party for my grandparents. cuz they don't have any
idea what Christmas is like cuz first they are Asians and they
have never celebrated it before..so yah)
and I also need to buy Vianka, Masa, and Yuika's presents...
so much things to do..and I still don't know what to buy.....:S
but at least I got Ayaka's present out of the way ....YaY!!!

This stupid essay writing for Colleges are just still pain in the ass
;( I need to right another essay for RISD...(Rhode Island School of Design..
or something like that...I don't even exactly know the college name....wtf..I know rite?? heh)

anyhow HAPPY HOLIDAYS
MARRY CHRISTMAS && HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!
and people from Saipan...I know I'm missing out a lot and
I am really really jealous of you guys who are spending this holiday season with their parents....so yah have fun for me!!
and enjoy the clip!!!

Changsta and Me

I was looking through some songs this weekend..
I realized that I have lost a lot of songs this month
I don't know what happened to all of them after I downloaded them
I have to re-download them..shit...really really lazy

When I was making a list of songs
that I have to download again,
it reminded me of my brother Changsta
(at least that what all my friends call him.
His friends call him...hmm..Hi-C...)
He use to provide me with the latest
hip hop songs when I was in Saipan
I never knew his importance until now..
I guess I just took a lot of things for granted

I miss Saipan. :S
I don't even know how I'm gonna survive college cuz
I get homesick easily...
Seeing Ayaka and Mina do it, it reallly suprises me

These days I'm not even sure if I really want to draw anymore
I mean I do want to go to college and live my life glamorously
as I have planned out but it's just a huge painstaking process
I just need more dedication ! I really do!
What happened to the Masochist me? What happened to the painlover?
Why am I always procrastinating?
Why is my mind filled with empty thoughts?

I miss my friends,family, and Saipan's warm food
I miss my car, my house, and my room
I know, I'm stupid..I know
I know for sure that I will try my best to resist all this shit
and try to finish everything as soon as possible but
I just feel lazy. Maybe I should watch that movie, Alvin and the Chipmunks
I really really want to watch that movie. Need some of Alvin's funkyness

Vianka I miss you so much !
and Oh, by the way don't worry about me
I know your dead worry but nothing to worry about
I think this is another phase
and I think I'm getting all mushy and Emo cuz I see couples everywhere
(not a good view to watch especially when it's cold. And I'm a
really sensitive person, you know)
But then, other than that I'm fine!
I need to send ayaka and you presents but I'm trying to figure out
how to save money...............URGH..
but anyhow I think I'm doing fine
It's just that I didn't find the right therapist yet to tell him/her
all my secrets.....
(it's just that I don't trust people who don't know me..I guess)

Ah, winter's cold breeze...
I wish it all went away...

All I want for Christmas is....

Every day is so busy
and everywhere I go, I feel the Christmas spirit
The lights, couples everywhere, Christmas ornaments and trees etc.
Well, it was actually yesterday when I visited my profolio academy
everything all changed. It wasn't the same place that I was in this Summer
the atmosphere, a lot of new people, and unexpected news

Yesterday I learned a new fact:
This guy in my academy that I was super close
that I even called him "my daddy(ahppa)" was going out with
this unni that I admired! (because of her artworks)

and also this guy in my academy that I called uncle
(actually my friend Robbin's ahppa..or that's what she calls him)
he also has a girl friend!!

I was like...I did miss a lot didn't I?....
and they were like
"Uh-huh, you miss out alot!"
they all welcomed me especially tae yoon oppa
He's one of the guys that I would
have dated if he was little bit younger.
And yes, he has a girlfriend..this unni that I really really like.
She's my fashion icon. She is a really really good dresser

These days, I'm in my depression mood
well there nothing that's really making this happen
since nothing really depressing happend to me recently
and also I have nothing to depress about..but I am still depressed
I don't know why so don't ask

I don't even feel like shopping anymore and
it's nolonger my joy...but these days
my grandma's keep on telling me to
buy more clothes...I really don't know why...
just can't understand..
so today I did buy some new clothes
in really really cheap price.
It should really make me happy,
since I am a true shop-a-holic
but it just won't cheer me up.
I have realized that I have changed
my joy into something different
I feel the same joy that I felt when
I bought clothes when I watch movies.
I don't know why but when I go to the movie theaters
and watch movies, (whether it's by myself or with someone)
I feel comfortable and relaxed. I feel like gaining back
my piece of heaven back

I'm happy that I gained it back but I'm starting to worry
that I might end up being illogical, dreamy, and imaginary
I mean what if I end up drifting apart from the real world
and live in my own imagination...? (cuz after watching movies
I started to imagine and day dream a lot)
It's sometimes hard to tell that the world we live in is either
a Reality or a Dream...

I really really believe that for this Christmas
I need a new boyfriend or something...
I just need someone next to me so that I won't be bored
I think I need attention and love
I think I just need a new boyfriend just to get the old one
out of my heart-a place where he nolonger and should never belong
because he doesn't deserve it at all.
I mean I can get all that love from family and friends but
I just need someone that I can love.
Someone that I can replace the old one and start loving..
Just by looking at me these days...I feel lonely even when I'm with people
I can feel the emptiness in my heart that is cold and numb

I think I can live without it but
I'm not that strong as everyone think I am
I need a strong man beside me who can hold me tight
I think that's what I need for this Christmas :)

Foolish

Okay..yesterday was just crazy
I was really happy and jolly until 3:30 PM..
and then I really got ticked off around 4ish

I woke up yesterday around 5:00 because I had this weird dream
that really bothered me.
It was about this friend that I really dislike (initcial M)
was copying everything. (This usually annoys me)
well in my dream, she changed her major and got accepted into
the college that I was aiming for.
(She was gonna major on Translating shit..watever that is...)
Well what ticked me off in the dream was that I worked my butt
off and still didn't get accepted into it and she in the other hand
really didn't do shit but just changed her major and just
got accepted and she started to tease me.
After waking up, I tried to go back to sleep but it was worthless
I COULD NOT SLEEP! so yah, I woke up really early..
I posted a blog entry and then got ready to go out.


Today was the day-The Exchange Program!
Well it didn't workout as me and my friend had planned it but
it was okay I guess if I didn't have to wait outside of the school
for like 20 minutes....URGH..it was really really COLD!
well I was wearing the mini skirt that Jamie gave me for
my birthday present and my whole theme yesterday was
a slutty catholic school girl...
(what I have worn in the Holloween Dance
past few years ago..
but my friend Lim told me that I looked like a japanese girl)

this is what it looked like:



Yes, it was freaken cold!
well I was wearing a jacket on top of it but still since it was
a mini skirt...we're talking about..it was no use...
We were suppose to meet around 10 AM and I arrived early
in the subway station so I started to walk around to find this
stupid highschool (and believe me, I do not know this place)
so I was really wandering around like a tourist in a really
skimpy outfit. And yes,when I got there in front of the highschool
I got all the attention from the guys..they looked at me like
I was some kind of circus monkey...I really hate that
After waiting for my friend for about 20 mintues and almost
turning into a frozen tuna, I was really pissed off that I went into
the highschool without any permission..(I really don't give a shit)
all the students looked at me like what the heck
and most of the girls glared at me and in my mind I was like
"oh, thanks I know..I know I am fucken fabulous.
you don't have to stare at me like that LMAO XD"
but since I am a human and I do have feelings...
I was a little bit embarrassed.
I asked one of the students who was staring at me
"where's the office?" and she told me where the highschool office was
(since the school had both middle school and highschool)
and then when I got there the teachers all stared at me
so I asked, "Umm...I'm looking for a student called Chae Hyung Lim?"
(Chae Hyung Lim=the No-makeup guy. Vianka calls him that..)
and she was pretty bitchy "How can I find him with only his name?
do you even know how huge this school is?!"
In my mind I was like
as a matter a fact yes, I do know the fucken school is huge as ur ass
but then after all that fuss
I found out the class he was in. It was 2-7
When I got there, all the guys started at me
(since the class is divided into male and females)
and I stomped in the classroom again without any permission
the teacher looked at me like WTF and I still stomped right in
and finally suprised my friend.

my friend was like, "How did you get here!?"
and I was like
"you Jackass you made me wait for 20 mintues outside FUCK YOU!"
oh, yes I cussed (in english of course)...
even though I knew it was a school.
That's just me..but all the students feared me cuz they had
English-phobia.....
after that I went to this really cool Japanese ramen place
and ate ramen with my friend and then ate ColdStone icecream
and went to random places.
around 3:30 PM-ish I had to go to
Hong Ik University to meet up with
my EX-BOYFRIEND....and that was when
I really really got ticked off

while "dating" (it wasn't a date..but just a hangout..i guess)
he wanted to call out the girl
he was cheating on when he was going out with me..WTF
I mean I guess we are friends now but we are not that close to
bring out someone that was part of our relationship...WTF!
he's a jerk....
He finally called her up and she acted like she was gonna show up
so we waited for 30 mintues and finally she called him back
saying "I can't go cuz I have other plans"
WTF..I really really hate her. After the waiting...we went to watch
movie....and the seat arrangement was fucked up. We were in the MIDDLE
and from front back left right, it was filled with COUPLES.....URGH
worst half-day ever....This wasn't how I exepected my day to end...
anyhow this was what we watched.


*I am the Legend*

pretty good movie!!! I liked it..but the wrong person to watch with..
I still can't believe I have slight feelings for him.
I thought I didn't but when I saw him again..after a 4 month apart,
I still had that butterfly wiggly feeling.....URGH...


here are some Emo pics that expressed my feelings after meeting my Ex.

Don't get it

I sometimes don't get myself.
I know that I am making the worst decision of all but right now
it seems like the best decision. I hope I don't mess up today
Shit.....this revenge thing is not working as I have predicted.
Where the hell is all my confidence that I brought with me from Saipan?
I was so ready for it but now it seems like I'm gonna lose again for sure
I have been making plans for months for this to happen but now that
it might happen...it's giving me the shitty feeling...the butterfly effect

I know don't have the Feaud look on.
I'm not a psycho as you think I am
I'm so frustrated....I don't even know


recently I have realized that I look like a "country girl" in Korea
I mean I wear the same clothes and yet
I still look like a Saipanese that doesn't fit in
Maybe I'm paranoid but it really feels like it
Urgh...since my computer in Korea doesn't have speakers
(it did..but after when my cousin toached it, it didn't work..WTF)
I can't watch my favorite show in Youtube..
this addcition is greater than cigs....
I'm trying hard to quite but I don't know why..I just can't
shit....before coming to Korea I smoked 15..or something in the party
then after that the day I came to Korea I met up with my friend
and smoked 3.............so it seems like a long journey to me...quitting..
but don't worry..I am GOING to quite..I'm just not working harder...




my friend showed me this movie..and it was hilarious
4th dimensional movie..everyone cannot get it
Its about this couple who loved each other so much
but the guy has OCD and when he sharpened all his pencil in a certain way
it was funny..XD (well..at least to me)
anyhow the girl I guess gets tired oh his OCD-ness and the guy has
hard time appologizing to the girl and she gets ticked off whenever
he doesn't appologize....anyhow..
when they were splitting apart after divorce, they exactly split everything
they own. like for example, if they own a picture they took together,
the guy would cut the picture exactly into half and give it to the girl
...(OCD people are weird..)

and she was like " you just cut my heart into pieces when you did that.."
or something like that....
then they split and then the guy goes crazy cuz he gave his clock to the girl
and tries to get it back but the girl won't give it to him...
anyhow..it was a weird movie but I enjoyed it.....there are some things
that I cannot describe cuz the Korean slangs and stuff..but
there were some parts where all the people in the theater laughed about
but I thought it wasn't that funny at all...

Well anywayz...
Ah....today will be another hectic day
wait for my another post everyone!!

Finals are OVER!

I am so glad that the finals are finally over...
Although it was a little pack since all my finals were
on Monday and Tuesday..but I feel great that that's out of the way
One reason why I liked this week and last week
(even though it was the finals week) was because I didn't have to
deal with the applications for college..since the finals are out of the way
now..I'm back stressing with the stupid college apps...shit..
all the events, things I have to do..are all coming towards me all at once
I don't even know if I want to go to Korea..but I'm leaving tonight....
I thought the flight was yesterday
but turns out to be tonight..so buzy packing
here are some pics that I took while I was studying Sociology...
I know, I know I didn't get much studying.....HAHA..

Ah, memories.....These days..pictures are really precious to me
It all passes by and this is the only thing the remains
I'm planning in taking a lot of pictures before my graduation
so that I can leave as much as memories with my Senior class
because I'm gonna miss them so much
no matter how much butthole they are

Don't worry. Ayaka, Vianka and many of my blog lovers
I'm going to post as much as I can when I get there!!!

The placebo effect: the feeling of falling in love

I don't know why but I really
don't feel comfortable with myself.
I don't know why..but I think it's
from too much stress, pain, and the scar
maybe I wasn't being myself.
Maybe I turned into a monster that the
society created and adapted to it.
I know for sure that I wasn't like this
"uncomfortable" with myself.

These days I have came to a realization
that Love isn't everything in life
Although it is a great element that
stimulates and changes a person but
it might be just a foolish placebo effect
that many people are just digging and
searching for just to gain an evanescent happiness.
I'm wondering if I'm just craving for that....
and because of that strong craving,
I have just lost myself during the
itinerary which the main goal is to find Love.

Do I regret? well not really..
because that effect is so great that
it makes me want to find more.
The addiction is so strong that I just can't live without it
I guess that's why many people try to find another spouse to love
because they cannot get over the feeling of being loved.
The feeling that they are loved and loving..

It is a great feeling. I have to admit
......but is it worth it?
I mean it's not even everlasting.
I am a strong, dedicated person and
I hope I don't loose that part of myself
since it is a great characteristic of me.

My problem is that I know how to give
but I don't know how to receive
I attach too much in one relationship
and don't know how to set it free when I have to
I mean it really doesn't make sense
...me not letting go of someone for
6 months..it's better than 3 years but still...
that's a long period of time

Love, Love, Love
I know can't live without it..but trying hard to just live without it.
because it creates too much pain and problems,

Just about to end

Just as Wen told me.. I have totally lost the interest to apply to other places

I know for sure I have to work on my FIT essays..but don't want to...URGH..

I know..it's kinda weird how I'm stressing about college...so young..LOL

Anyhow..I just have 5 more days till I go to Korea..

Am I happy? nope...not at all..

I'm sure it'll be great but just not in the mood

for a winter vacation/working busy days

I'm thinking meeting a therapist and refresh

my mind..because I have been

having issues....you can just tell by my recent blogs

I know for sure that this craziness will end soon..

but I just can't take it anymore

I had this weird dream where I asked Mr. Kodep if he sent out my

transcripts and he said, "No, I didn't" and I started to freak out

and woke up at 6:40A.M. WTF...now I'm having nightmares....

......anyhow..I'm guessing it's not only me who's going through this

and I'm sure I am over reacting since

I have already got one acceptance letter

but I just want something much more better.

Going to California might be great beacuse

I have friends and far relatives

It's better than going to a place where I don't know anyone..but

at the same time I just want to explore more

that's all. I want to live my life without anyone's help.

I just want to live on my own.

Try new things out...and things like that..

Me and Eun Ji have been joking around about my sexuality..

Since it's is really really getting off limit

she was like,

like who doesn't get over in a long period of time such as 6 months...

I know ..I know.. yes, it takes awhile for me to get over someone

she told me to look around and find a new person

It's not like I didn't try.. I just could find anyone..and also

I totally lost interest in men..

I don't feel anything anymore..so I was guessing if I was turning

"Bi (sexual)" :P

So, jokingly I was like (to Eun Ji)

"I think I'm turning Bi.."

and she wasn't even suprised........WTF..

I have been missing this girl lately that I went to her

cyworld couple of times and looked through

all the pictures..this past few weeks

I miss her so much.. and I guess I miss her more

because she was a senior just last March..when that happened..

I mean going through Senior year...It must have been really hard for her

since she had no family here and had problems with her best friend..

I should have hanged out more with her .....now its too late I know...

Sigh..I MISS HER SO MUCH <3

Sometimes I just want to go where she is at..

but that's only sometimes..

R.I.P My dear love Jinah

War once again

Love is like war: easy to begin, hard to end

I knew this was comming but when it actually happened

I was really pissed. Although Vianka says it's waste of time

I think it's worth it. I have this wierd feeling

that since "she" broke up with her boyfriend

she will go for him.

and I am thankful that this is happening as I wanted

even though I am pissed at the same time

what I'm planning to do might be the most ridiculous deed ever

but I'm just trying to give back what I had recieved, that's all

If I say.

"They did it first"

it might sound so ridiculous and childish but

only accepting their appology is not right because

what I have recieved from them left me a huge scar,

ripped my heart into million of pieces

and turned myself into another cold bitch

and I don't appreciate it at all

Got Bitch?????

Just to think about

what has been happened, and is happening..

past few years and recently....

I mean it seems like there are so

many people who degrade me

and there are so many things

that actually lower my self esteem

but why, I am a really great person.

As I was working with my "Adolescent Girls' Depression"

for my Sociology paper, girls tend

to create two different sides in them

one authentic side they were innate

with and other the one that has been

created by the society's expectation.

I guess that's the side that I call as "poker face"

They tend to judge me with the wrong side

that I demonstrate in public

as my true self and because of that,

I thought my true, real self was the fake one

that was created recently.

I have a lot of adjectives that people

call me when they describe me

Bitch, cold, truthful, loyal, straigh foward, 2m2m

I mean some are really good adjectives

that I really like and some are

just based on my public appearance.

To think about it I have never wanted the image of "bitch"

Before I elaborate more about what bitch is,

I should quote from my

research paper:

"The ruels in the society for proper female behavior aren't

lucidly stated but the punishment for breaking it is very harsh.

Girls who are outspoken are called "bitches" and girls who are not

attractive are not respected. "

Outspoken? A bitch?

I guess too many people have called

me a bitch because of my

harsh, cold, outspoken comments and

behaviors and it is somewhat

my fault that I made myself look like a bitch ....

but I had my own very reason

People use people. They are really harsh sometimes.

There are many harsh comments,

attitudes, and many other things

out there that will hurt me.

I learned during my pre-teenage years that the world

wasn't a really great place to live as I have

thought it was when I was young.

It wasn't like fairy tales where everything was just

"over the rainbow" with unicorns and pretty princesses.

I mean it was a society where pretty Barbie looking girls

were lionzied and ugly and thought

to be fat, obese girls were degraded.

When a ugly girl has a good grades they say,

"Why she should at least have a good grades because

she lacks the physical beauty"

When a pretty girl has good grads they say,

"Wow, She's pretty AND smart!!"

They are both intelligent young women

but have different feedbacks from people...

Well my point is, inorder to survive

in this world I needed a shield that can

protect me from these kind of stuffs

and my hidden card was my bitchy side

It wasn't the great card to use because it definitely gave

me a wrong image but at that moment

it was the only solution

There are actually good and bad sides of

being a true hardcore bitch

the good side: people actually

don't mess with you.

Many people do know that I am the

wrong person to mess with

and I'm fine with that because humans

are not born to mess with

They might not give me full respect

but it's better than not having any respect

The bad side: Since my body is so use to the

"no expression, pissed look"

I constantly have that expression on when I'm alone.

Ayaka once told me that it is really hard to go up

to me and say hi even though

she knows me beacuse of that pissed look

but actually I'm not always pissed and everyone

thinks I am always pissed

They also think that I have no feelings at all but I do

I HAVE FEELINGS

I did loosen up a bit but I'm still called a bitch

I really don't care if people who don't know me call me a bitch

I really don't care what others think about me

because I usually don't give a shit about others who I don't care

What really bothers me is that when people

who I care for get hurt by my bitchy side

While writing this blog I came across that

I cannot make everyone happy.

I can't satisfy everyone out there

and I hope that the people who really care for me

love my bitchy side too

I believe that true friends are

suppose to like the un-perfect side too

THE IMPORTANT LESSON FOR TODAY:

Don't judge people by what they appear as

From my own experience.

when I was chatting with my ex-boyfriend

(because we are thought to be friends again...I guess?)

He said something like this to me

" After the break-up, you changed"

I told him

"I didn't change. I just came back to myself"

the title "bitch" is something that I cannot extricate

because it has been part of me for a long time

"Did you know that cold, mean girls are more dateable?"

*neat pic from taylor's picture book :)

me and kaba sun tanning in the shade

or should I say seducing the fat american dudes...YUCK..*

Sigh, Men fall for the wrong girls

I hate people who has everything and tries to take
the little amount of things from the people who
has less than the person they are taking away from

I'm selfish and ignorant
Yes, I do know that I am self-centered and I really
don't care what others think about me or
I don't think about others before me but
at least I don't take away things from other people

You know why I'm pissed with God?
because to some people, he gives Love and support
and to some he just doesn't care
Favoritism exist in religion too, I guess

(To the Jesus believers don't get all offensive.

It's just what I think.. and oh, don't worry

I'm a Catholic too..if that makes you feel any better..)

He gives someone a boyfriend and a boy toy
so that, that person will not get bored
He gives that same someone a great college acceptance
without even working hard

He gives that person everything she wants to get
and spoils her as if she is someone
He takes less from her and takes a lot of things from me
I don't have excessive resources that I can give out
I barely survive today
I might look like I have everything but I don't

and yet, he still take things from me
I die to go to college and he does not give it to me
I die to get him back but he does not give him to me
I die for the needs. I don't "just" get what I want
I work my butt off to get what I want
and still he never listens to my prayers

Am I being too selfish?
Am I asking too much?
but compared to her I'm asking less...
You give her everything she asks for
I have never begged you for many things and yet you still
don't give it to me.
***
you always come back to him and play with his heart
whenever you want to. whenever you feel like
It's so easy for you to get his attention
but for me it's hard
No, I don't want to get that attention anymore
but it is really frustrating to see you play around with his heart

Let me tell you something,
He might have used me and made myself a fool out of me
but I still care for him.
See, you might think his heart is just a piece of shit
and it might not worth anything to you.
You sure can do anything to it
cuz he allows it
you might do whatever to that heart because you might not care
but that heart your playing with is the heart that I have been
working hard to get for 6 months.

It's so tiring to see someone get

everything you have always wanted so badly

I did everything I can to get it and

yet it's still so hard to reach

on the other hand, there she is...

She gets all the things I want without

going through any of the things I'm going through

Sometimes the World is just unfair.

I don't care what others say.. It's just unfair to me

Yah, maybe I'm being too emotional

I know....It doesn't matter anymore

but still it does to me

everyone tells me "Again? Just move on"

I did move on. (or didn't I?)

Ask me one more time and I'll give you a response.

"넌 진실된사랑을 해본적이 없구나?"

"You have never had a true love, huh"

*You Got IT, girl..I lose, you win.

How does it feel winning over a loser?????*

.

.

.

.

.

I guess it feels good...

First Love

"Goodbye, My First Love during the age of 17"
Today after dropping my brother to SAT prep tutor, I went to
Best Seller to see if there was any Teen Vogue..
apparently they didn't have any but I looked through
PEOPLE mag. and came across this phrase:
"In order to meet the right, true Prince Charming,
you have to kiss a lot of FROGS"

Sorry to compare you guys with frogs but I think it is right...
but when you think about it, I mean all the frogs that you fell for
seems like the right Prince Charming at first..
after few months or so you realize or actually your friends realize it first
that he is not for you.. then you kind of get disappointed...
at first you don't want to admit that you have dated a frog..
but turns out you did...
you loved that stupid frog that acted like a prince and can't get over
the whole relationship.....

I mean so far I have only picked one frog
The question that I want to ask is "why can't the right guy be your first love"
I mean I gave away my first kiss, the label of "first" to that guy
cuz I thought he was the right guy.

Miss him? well not really.
Do I miss the relationship? No..
because it wasn't that great in the first place to be missed
I'm just okay. I'm not sad but that doesn't mean that I'm happy
I have this really emptiness in my heart because the
frog just gobbled half of my heart.

Just waiting for another frog to come along
so that I can kiss him see if he's my true prince
To my future Prince:

By the way, I really don't like waiting.
If you are just approaching me just to fool around
Don't even try. you are picking the wrong girl to mess
I'm done with the whole "using"
I don't want a curious boy that I have to babysit
I want a MAN. Who respects women

Am I maturing or what?

These days I have been really annoyed by NMAers stupidness
Am I maturing or..am I just annoyed because I have PMS?
I don't know but what I'm sure is that I am ANNOYED...

It is really really sad to see young girls having fake smile on
I mean they're so young
and I can't believe they're so fake in a young age
I know these days I have been talking about
fake people constantly but it is true
Wen feel it and I feel it and everyone feel it.

Some people think they are good enough to make harsh "funny"
(they think it's funny, but I don't think it is) comments
but I say they are in the same ranking and don't have the right to make any
fucked up comments about other people. I mean who do they think they are? rite?
I don't think they are any better than the people they make fun of.
(If you know who I am talking about..)

I just get annoyed when people just use people
and think it is the right thing to do.
as if that person was born to just get used
who the fuck does that rite?
but appearently the people here do it
and believe me, I have been used by people
and it is one of the crappy feelings out there
a human can feel. I really hate it...
I don't know I mean...since I know how it feels like, I don't use people
for only to benefit myself. Although I am cold, I am not a selfish bitch.
you many call me a hardcore bitch but I at least have the brain to
think what is right and wrong. I have morals and values..that's why
I am different from the stupid bitches that bitch for nothing.

well enough of that,
College, college, college
that has been always on my mind
I am not even sure if I can get into the college that I always dreamed of going
I still need to send out my transcripts..WTF..
I know, I know, I have been procrastinating....URGH
I hate procrastinating but when I try to do things..I just get lazy...
being a senior is the hardest thing...

I am thankful that any of my friends don't ask me to hang out with them
There are many reasons why but my foremost reason is because
I don't want to be like them.
They really disappointed me this semester
They seem like they are not the same people that I use to know
the people that I thought was kind, amicable...but
...all the good characteristics just rusted away
it's either that or I'm over-reacting
but I don't think I'm over reacting.....

My favorite Korean Celebrity

D.O.B: 1977.05.05

Choi Kang Hee

최강희

She's pretty old but she looks like a highschool girl.♡

Doing what I am good at: being a Masochist

I think I love pain...Mental and Emotional Pain..

as I have admitted, I think I have

been getting the energy to live my life

from enduring the pain that I got from having stress

I mean just by looking at what kind of guys I fall for..

the hardcore "badboys." I know that they will hurt me

later on, but I still go for them-even though I know they

will hurt me. Can't hate them for some reason.

Oh, when me and Wen were dicussing about badboys,

on the radio, there was the song by Soulja boy

but remix done by Travis Barker

well that song was playing and we talked

about how Travis Barker was so hot

(well only me)

I really think I like bad boys......

*SEXY TRAVIS: Wen told me that he's single now...>_<*

Today was just the day that I love: busy busy busy

The more I get busier, I get more stress

but I love busy days.. it helps me get other shitty thoughts out

of the way. If I am busy, I won't have to think about

how my life is so empy without that someone I have been

craving for the past few months

Don't worry, I'm over it. It's just that I'm still not ready

to live my life without him. I'm getting there don't worry

Just taking my time to get there. I don't want to hurry..

I know for sure that some day I will get over him because

I know fact that we cannot be together..or should I say

we won't be together because I am just sick and tired of all the

shit load of games he had to play on me but loving a person

for a long time and letting him go, is kinda hard.

Don't worry I'm fine. I'm doing much better!

well, back to my daily life,

First off, I had a Japanese class this morning at 9 AM.

after that I had to rush back to Senior Seminar because

I thought we would at least go over our college application process

because since it's coming to an end. and since that they helped us

last minute...but instead they had a really crappy SEFA scholarship

presentation..that I am not signing for sure.

So, I just headed out to my PS 110 meeting at the student center

I forgot to bring my laptop to workon my powerpoint so, I had to head back home

to get the stuff.. stupid me...

besides I woke up really late today..

I was suppose to wake up at 6:00 Am.

and I had my cellphone alarm on

but for some reason..I just can't wake up

these days even with alarms.

becuz I cannot hear my alarm ring?? I don't know

the sounds to the max....but I have trouble waking up

well anyways. I came back from home

and started working on my powerpoint

and then I headed back to STUCO meeting at 2:00 Pm. to see how the

sophies, and the jrs are doing on their dance thingy @ GIG..

wasn't my idea. they wanted one so I thought they were fundraising ..but

turns out to be they were all depending on Emma-who said

she will donate, or should I say "pay" to make this happen but

I think she just said that to get attention..and SHE DEFINATELY GOT ATTENTION

oh, well just wasted my precious 1 hour at SUTCO meeting :)

THANKS GUYS

Emma didn't even show up to our meeting..like WTF..she has issues..

Everyone in NMA are so fake these days..it just disgusts me how they act.

well not everyone but majority of them. Can't really adjust to it but watever

like when did I even care. rite?LOL

after that I came back to the student center to work on the presentation

and then turns out that we had a meeting with current issues class at 3:30 at

Java Joes.....so me and Wen headed to Java Joes at 3:24

talked to Emily and discussed. but didn't get anything done cuz

two people didn't turn in their surveys ...

and none of them showed up except me, Wen, and Emily...

really hectic ...but I kinda enjoyed it

I have no gas in my car..:)

Thank you oil companys for raising the gas prices....

There are still so much things to do

first I have to finish the slides for PS110 because I planned to

check up with KiKi sunday with it.

and also the current issues survey tallys with Wen.

I also need to read my sociology text book to catch up

(recently I have been drawing random shits in class...so..yah.)

and I also have a Final comming up on PS110...shit

didn't read chapters 8,9,10...Urgh..

and I didn't even finish the apps. for college...

I should just stop drawing in class and focus more...

What is happening these days..Just too much stuffs going on in my head

that I just can't focus......

Things I have to do and I have done

What did I finish? NOTHING..
I know the stage right now I am in is really an important stage but...urgh..
I don't know why I'm procrastinating at this point where there are so many things to do
I'm mad at myself >:(

Things I have to do :
1) fill in the Request for Transcript Record for NMC
2) do the online application for AIB
3) print out the letter of recommendation requirement forms
for PRATT, PARSONS, FIT, and AIB
4) give the recommendation requirements to Mrs. Arriola
5) NMA transcript
6) Sociology presentation and paper
7) study Sociology for exam
8) study Princ. Democratic for exam
9) make slides for PS 110
10) draw self portrait for UCLA, PRATT
11) go to college board and finish registering the Jan 26 test

Yah, I know that I'm loaded with stuffs to do but I just can't finish them
because stupid me..I feel so lazy these days...
AH, 정신차려장슬기. 이러케빈둥빈둥할때가안니라구T^T

Pissed, Pissed, Pissed thats what I feel right now
It felt like I did a lot of stuff but if I turn back and see what I did so far..
There are nothing that I have accomplished...Shit..

I just sometimes don't want to go to college.
I mean there are way too much stuffs to fill out....URGH

What can I do, Just empty my mind and try to study more harder
I too old to think about all these childish thoughts.
Let them go Suki, Let them go.
Think about all the freedom and great people you are going to make
the moment you leave this filthy place and start another new itinerary to college

Missing my Jr year

To tell you the truth, I really miss my Jr year.
Its so sad that time cannot reverse back
because since I really miss it, I'm constantly daydreaming
all the time when I was actually happy
I wish if it could come back

"만약에 그때같은날이 한번더 찾아오면.."
If only .....Im constantly missing it that it's not even funny
I guess I am getting older cuz I have more things to think about now
then I use to before.
Life, college, future..everything..It's comming all a sudden.
I hate that..

I miss the days when I spent it with
Ayaka, Vianka, and all my best friends
At least last year everyone hanged out.
I feel so left out
I'm questioning myself if I even have
friends called a true friend.
I guess after all...there is no "we" but only
"I" in surviving this world.
everyone betray everyone
Truth, honesty does not exist anymore
I feel like I myself is another
fake person living a fake life
encountering fake people like me
I miss the days so much..
The comfort, the fun, love and everything..
Everyone changed so much. I guess the phrase
"An identity of a man really depends on
what type of women he gets" is right.

It was the most unforgettable period
in my life that I will never forget
and I'm not sure if there would be
another period like that again in my book.
If De Ja Vu actually exists,
I wish if everything that happened last year
happens again...

Happy Virus: 무한도전 Infinity Challenge

Me and Eun Ji's happy virus:무한도전

with MC Yoo, Hong Chul No, Joon Ha Jung,

Myung Soo Park, Hyung Don Jung, HAHA

crazy Korean comedians giving great joy every weekends

GREAT GUYS !!!! LUV THEM TO THE MAX

Paris Hilton showed up on their show. Can't wait till I see that

*Slight Peek-a-boo of episode 79*

After finishing my UCLA Application.

DAMN! FINALLY FINISHED!! WTF

First off..I should be happy..but not really right now..
I guess I've been too stressed out for 3 months
with that stupid UCLA application..
I had it done..it was just the Personal Essay
that was really making the whole process get delayed......
I hate the fact that I had to spend more time
on a college app. that I am sure
I am not going to get accepted..
and besides...now that I turned it in..
I kinda realized that my personal essay
was a little bit EMO..
hey! but it was a really "personal" essay..
I mean...I did what they told me to..
"Write a really personal essay"
I'm also kind of sick and tired of
my korean teacher telling me what to do.
I get the fact that he is trying his best
to help me get into a good college..but
it's a little bit too much...
I revised my essay 8 times, rewrote it twice
and made 10 different people look at it..
and I still don't see why he has been saying that
it was the most "cliche" essay he has ever read
when I WROTE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE..
How can my personal experience be cliche?????
I don't know...I mean if I don't get aCcEpTeD,
then I'll look for some other colleges..
such as Parsons, or PRATT..
If I can't get into any of them..
oh, well..I can just get into AAU..
At least I got accepted to AAU..T_T Thank God...
I can't believe that getting into
college is way harder than getting an A...
This whole process is just painstaking...URGH

After getting in my pain in the ass UCLA app. I get all this regret...
don't know why..but alot of regret..lyk I could have done much better..
I'm drained out..and I don't feel like applying to any other colleges...
the UC app. just enervated my motivation..Fuck. >:(

Im getting all the deadlines mixed up..
and I'm not even sure what is due when anymore..
I'm just too disorganized..I've been losing stuff...for the past few month..
really living a hectic life!!!
I should gather up myself and start to organize or something..
I just don't know where to start..it seems like everything is out of order.
the transcripts for NMC and NMA
and all the things..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Someone please save ME...

*Some pictures of me and SEXY KABABA
in Managaha: attracting/seducing the lifeguards*



&*&Last Saturday:Into the BLUE&*&

Just a little break

My favorite boy band "BIG BANG" performing with the Wonder girls
Wonder girls "Tell Me" song was a big hit in Korea that everyone
learned their dance moves.. (from army men to young grade schoolers)
I even learned the dance moves XD

Ahhhhh!!! G-Dragon (Gi Young), T.O.P.
(Big Seung Hyun), and Victory (SeungRi aka Little Seung Hyun)
are soooooooooooo damn CUTE!!!!!!! Kawaiiiii

Big Bang's song "Lie" is also so catchy!!!
There are some comments that Wonder Girls didn't do a great job in
singing the "Lie (gugeemal)"song
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH they are so addictive :D

recently ..Eun Ji got mad at me for re-influencing her with the whole
"boy band loving" thing....
Masa and the other guys at NMA don't get our BIG BANG FANthingy
but who the fuck cares about what other's think ! LOL

I just love TOP's husky voice..
If only I meet them...SIGH...
Eun Ji said that if she meets them..she will hug them and never let them go..
I might do the same thing..but more massive...LOL

XD a little gift for myself..for working hard these days...with the whole
college application..and everything..without procrastinating..!! YAY
I mean..i think my life span is getting shorter the more I work on my college
application... I'm wondering if I would be alive ....when I DO ENTER COLLEGE...
Seriously..this college applications should be illegal.. as Wen said..
It shortens the lives of many young mid-teenagers.....
WE ARE TOO YOUNG TO DIE !!!!!!!!

Too much papers to fill out..and too much drawings to draw...
I just feel like giving up..but oh well..
at least I got accepted into my backup school
WATEVER....happens..happens...URGH..


*Wonder Girls-Tell Me M/V*


*BIG BANG-Lies M/V*

Stupid me...After realizing the fact that theres only 6 months left..and i leave for good..

I thought that it would be great if my brother and I hang out more often..

but never had the courage to do so..cuz as many of my fwends know...ITS MY BROTHER..

we never communicate. never talk. never to shit together..

we are only bloodly related..but never connected like real blood family

as Kaba described my brother : devil, evil, scary

it was really hard to be close with my brother..I really had to squeeze my courage out

So, I first called Vianka if she wanted to follow us..but she was too busy..

It was kinda awkward...but was really fun too!

From Holleywood Theatres>McDonalds>Garapan Street Market>Holleywood T.

I wish i was alittle bit more close to my brother..but hes sometimes a bit annoying

* My make-up was well done..!! So I took a picture of my eye*

After watching the "First Christmas?"

(don't remember the movie title) featuring Chris Brown..

DAMN! CB was hot to the max!

I think we had too much sweets....look at our facial expressions..

My Brother has the SEXY look ON. LOL

@ Megodonaroodo

맥도날드

I had a happy meal. my brother had a Big Mac Set

Mc Donalds have weird toys...they give kids Vibraters...

it was actually a bug toy....but it vibrated...

and oh, my! my brother's dirty mind

"who the fuck give vibraters to kids? i thought that was only for adults"

I mean..why..ur rite..it is for adults...

Pics Pics Pics!

Me and my KRAZY NMA fwends...

I mean...What would I do without them????

Trying to survive my SENIOR YEAR

Stress. Stress and MORE STRESS
I thought that senior year was suppose to be a fun year
This is not what i have expected to be

During my freshman year I couldn't wait until I turned senior
I was looking foward to my senior year.
I saw all my upper class onni and oppa's all enjoying their senior year.
They seemed like they didn't have any problems. but everythings a PROBLEM.

Urgh. I think the Mina Curse is actually working.
Not to all of us but to some of us like Vianka, Wen, Debra, Jae Hee, me..etc
I've realized that I have been more bitchy now-a-days...
I also gained 3 kilograms...

These days I am not even sure if I want to go to college...cuz recently my "portfolio teacher" just criticized me with my writing skill..how "cliche" all my recent essays were for personal essay part.....I don't even want to go to UCLA..and I don't even see why I need to stress out like this. I mean I would feel great if I did get accepted to UCLA..but I already know that I won't..because
my SAT scores are not that high and also I don't have an outstanding extracurricular activities like Debra...COME ON...why try if you already know what's going to happend rite?
I can't believe I'm stessing on something that I do not have to stress about...

I miss Ayaka so much.. I actually miss my Jr year..
We had so much fun.. (although I missed out a lot) I really had fun.
it was one of the memories that I will never want to forget.
My first love, the wonderful memories with the GREAT SENIORS Ayaka, Mina, Seung Hwan..
I wonder what they are doing rite now....

I still cant believe Im a senior..I still feel like and act like a freshman..
obnoxious, stupid, wild..etc...
i don't want to grow old.....
If i grow old, then im going to miss all the drama, gossips, and the crazy stuffs
I can't do crazy things just because of the fact that Im a teenager ..cuz I ain't gonna be one soon...WTF
I feel like I grew up so fast....physically..
I still feel like Im a kid mentally...(doesn't mean I'm childish.....well sorta..)
I dunno...jus confused..and more confused about my life....the future and more

The more I live my life..I feel like friendship is not everything...
the people that I once trusted are nolonger trusted.
the people that I thought were my friends turned out not...
it's just dissapointing everytime I realize this...
the fact that I am alone just drives me crazy...
I know that ...I've known that...but I never wanted to admitt it...
Shit....This is just crappy..

If only I had the power to retrospect back to 8 months ago....
If only.....